So after all the lip-service and the declarations of wanting to get back to where I was, I am finally back.
What happened isn’t insignificant: basically since 2014 I was spiraling into the breakdown that finally resulted this spring. It got really, really bad. So bad I almost didn’t make it out. I was literally about to end my life one night. The peace I felt during that period of suicidality was relief. But then I got extremely nervous. I promised someone I wouldn’t hurt her daughter again if we just happened to reconnect. And I felt if I did that, it would just prove to her that I wasn’t actually better than I had been 20 years ago when we were kids.
So I took the necessary steps and got help. Got a new medication added to my regime. And after not really leaving the apartment for three months, I noticed a change.
Quitting School and Going Back
I basically couldn’t finish the semester. Every step outside was an anxiety attack. My Facebook posts grew dark. I started a private blog for my friend’s mom that was truly bizarre and cringeworthy. Everything was magnified. I felt like pure shit, almost daily, and would cry for no damn reason, all the time, intermittenly. If it wasn’t about the love of my life, it was about the my high school best friend, the imminent death of my mother, you name it, it became a depressive obsession. I couldn’t finish a semester in which I didn’t know when I’d end up wailing out of the blue let alone go to the gym. Think I went to the gym once or twice during this period and I really didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t enjoy school and I never wanted to leave my apartment.
My apartment became a mess. I never left it. I only went out to get food otherwise I just couldn’t do anything. It wasn’t a matter of willing myself to fight the blues. I was literally very unhealthy, mentally sick, and I was about to go under.
I Never Forgot I Was a Warrior
Eventually, I felt great. It took some time. It started with feeling less anxious and depressed. I started to think and obsess less over my past. I started want to do things. I started cleaning the place up. Then one day I thought, I need to head back to the gym, no matter that it’s Fitness 19. I just need to workout.
And so I swallowed my pride and went back to Fitness 19. My excuse about the type of gym mattering didn’t hold water. I went and kilt it. I wanted to start off slowly and work my way back to some kind of rhythm but it felt so good to lift I just went all in. I only stayed for 20-25 minutes. I have been going for 30 or so minutes and will increase it to 45 soon.
I have gone three days a week for two weeks. I still have energy to get things done after I workout. I am headed back to Pitt this fall. I am a warrior. I have been through too much in my life to quit, not now. Not ever.